Punchline Life

Sometimes I have very strange conversations:

4/19/12 at Mermaid Oyster Bar. Discussing my new internet date:

Me: he thinks I am really sweet. But I am really not that nice. 
Lauren: yes you are. You give French fries to bums
Well then…maybe I am.

Later that night at Madame X lounge:

Lauren: he is really cute
Me: umm he looks like a stripper
Lauren: he said he is a personal trainer
Me: yea personal vagina trainer 

(tight muscle shirt + ripped body + bald head + perfectly shaped eyebrows = STRIPPER)

4/24/12 via IM between 2 unidentified friends (mainly because this is somewhat racist)

Person 1: it is all about the personality when you are a little guy. Maybe he needs to aim lower

Person 2: yea he is a funny guy and super sweet

Person 1: yea… but people probably just see him as a friend. that sucks. I saw this tiny mexican man the other day and wondered if he was lonely in the world.

Person 2: hahahaha well i’ve seen tiny little mexicans and they have even tinier mexican wives

4/25/12 via IM

Me: I wont be having sex for about 2 weeks or more. That is if I am even still talking to August when he gets back

(August = new internet date…details on that later)

Jane: well you can always sleep with Bob.

(ok I dont know a Bob, nor will I ever probably know a Bob let alone consider sleeping with one, but for the purpose of this story that is his name)

Me: No way. His hands are too tiny and really soft.  I would feel like a woman is caressing me

Me: I mean August’s hands are small but they are kind of dry, and he has a tattoo on one so that is hot.

Jane: hahaha. you never know he may put his latin lover moves on you

(Probably, but I cant get over the lady hands)

4/25/12 11:37 pm via Text

Me: if you don’t see me tomorrow it is because my cab driver raped me.

Me:he is watching me in the rare view mirror

Me:and he said talk to me you are so shy

Lindsey: Text me his medallion #

Lindsey: And ask him to keep his eyes on the road

Lindsey: Ewww creepy

Lindsey: Remember your legs are stronger than your arms

(best life insight i have gotten all week, well aside from my therapist telling me with not other explanatio that people are jerks…I probably shouldn’t have paid him my co-pay that day)

Me: Lol. Thanks

Lindsey: Hahaha

Lindsey: I said text me his medallion #!

Me: phone died. But I made it home

Me: and my quiet space has not been violated

(quiet space = lady parts)

I guess everyone loves LM.  Follow me here or on Twitter for more updates. 

What have I been doing in my hiatus you ask? Nothing much.  The usual random awkward things. I did somehow have a 6month semi love affair with a 21 year old security guard in my apt building.  But since he has recently been fired, I decided to make an effort at finding a real potential BF.  As much as I will miss our romantic dates, which mostly entailed smoking weed in the park and listening to Taylor Gang by Wiz Khalifa on repeat, I think it is time for me to attempt to have an adult relationship.  Enter stage left, OKCupid.  What better way to find an quality, mature guy, then to be matched by an online dating site algorithm that is mainly based on answers random sex and SAT like questions.  Stale is to Steal as 89475 is to…

Well anyway, a potential match that seemed very promising contacted me. (According to OKCupid we were about 68% a romantic match)

Height: 5’11

Occupation: Artistic

Background: West Indian

Looks: Cute ish? (one picture he looked very attractive but the other 2 were questionable.). 

We chatted on the site for a few days than decided to move our internet relationship to the next level; texting.  This was a big step!  This was the first guy I gave my number to on OKCupid.  While I am no Internet dating virgin, I did want to take it slow and make sure I was not meeting the devil, a sexual deviant, or sheltered goody goody that would judge me for having a glass of plum wine on a Wednesday night. I mean really? It is just plum wine. But let’s not dwell on the past.

Anyway, we got along splendidly on text and decided to meet in person.  The day before our meeting I decided to review the questions he answered on the site to see how many we answered the same, hoping to figure out a conversation angle.  Most of them were normal.

Are you a vegetarian or vegan?

Me: No

Him: Yes

(hope he doesn’t mind that I looove pork & steak)

Do you like dogs? Would you consider owning a dog as a pet?

Me: Yes, I would love (or do own) a dog.

Him: I like them, but I am allergic

(I guess that’s ok, I don’t really like my dog anyway)

Is astrological sign at all important in a match?

Me: No

Him: Yes

Do you find arrogance to be a turn-on?

Me: Yes

Him: Yes

(perfect)

Would you like to have someone strap on a dildo and put it inside you?

Me: No

Him: Yes

(Wait what?)

What now? I thought to myself, maybe he misread the question.  But even if the question was asking if he would like to use a strap on and put it inside someone, that is still really weird.  Like what lady would like that? The idea of two things coming towards my lady parts at once is not only scary but seems like it would be sensory overload.  And if he did want to be penetrated, how far is he from actually just wanting man sex? How could I ever look my man in the eye again after I bent him over and violated his backside?  Would this be a one-time thing? Or would he forever become a bottom? This was too much for me. I mean I am all for trying different things but this is a little bit of another level for me. I asked him about it and he admitted to it being a little bit of a fantasy. 

Of course reading this completely skewed my perception of him and I felt little (and by little I mean NONE) chemistry when we met (well it was the butt sex and the fact that he was at least 30lbs heavier than his picture) Le Sigh…but this has not deterred me from my quest.  I have another potential suitor that I am meeting this Thursday.  Hopefully he is looks like his picture and isn’t interested in being sodomized (or sodomizing).  

So it did not take very long for me to receive the karma I have been awaiting from my Look Before You S[h]it post. My agency conducted a friendly competition that tasked a few teams with coming up with a big idea for AOL’s new ad unit.  After a number of brainstorms, a few late nights, and a couple of bad ideas, my team finally came up with what we thought was the winning idea.  Now the prizes for winning were truly exciting: first place: a trip for 4 of the team members to Cannes, second place: a weekend in the AOL Hampton’s house.  We all joked that we were shooting for second place since only 4 of us could go to France and there were a good 18 individuals on my team.  (this my friends is known as polite talk). I was lucky enough to make the cut for the list going to Cannes so I was extremely excited. The presentation day came and went and we made it into the top 6!  When the awards ceremony came along, I must admit, I was on edge.  As they announced the 4 other teams that received the “we feel bad you worked so hard so we got you this plastic trophy” runner’s up prizes, my heart nearly exploded from my chest.  And then it was down to just two teams, mine and one other.  When they announced that the other team would receive second prize, I nearly died. Finally, I a moment where I could bask in all of my our glory.  Victory was mine ours! After a few pictures and tequila shots, I was happily chatting away in a circle of my peers when this waitress walked over to me.  She leaned in about an inch from my face as if she was going to tell me a secret and in a voice that was closer to yelling that whispering she said “Ma’am, your dress is in your underwear” (of course it was, and wait did you just call me Ma’am!?!) I put my hand behind me to cover myself and turned to see if anyone else noticed.  And there they were, three people from our Hispanic agency pointing and laughing at me.  I don’t really know what they were laughing at since they were lucky enough to bask in the glory of the 8th wonder of the world! After saving my dress from being devoured by my monster bloomers (hey sometimes you just have to choose comfort.), I did want any self respecting lady would do; I downed another shot, laughed it off, and cried myself to sleep that night.

OK universe consider my debt paid in full.

Everyone knows I hate cats but given my dating history, it is inevitable that I will be added to this list » vintage cat ladies

NYC subways can be a scary place. You never know who or what was in that seat before you or on the pole you hold onto for balance.  Today I witnessed a pretty horrific offense and said nothing as another fell victim to the aftermath.  On my way uptown to meet some friends for some afterwork cocktails and ended up sitting next to a chubby “special” man, who was talking softly to himself (Naturally).  When he got up at 34th street, the most horrific stench was released into the air.  It was so bad that I instantly knew that it was not simply the result of an accidental gas pass, it was more of a shart.  Which can be defined as a small, unintended defecation that occurs when one relaxes the anal sphincter to fart (blend of “shit” and “fart”) (Urban Dictionary) Sure enough when I looked next to me there was a small slimy brownish smudge on the seat. I immediately turned away in total and utter disgust.  As I fought the urge to vomit in my own mouth, a small Asian man got on the train and swiftly moved towards the seat next to me. Now in my head I yelled “NOOOO there is special person doo doo on there!” But I guess the words never made it to my lips because he firmly planted himself next to me.  I looked over at him in disbelief and my eyes met with the woman on the other side of the smudge victim. She had also witnessed the shart.  She wore the same look of horror on her face but then she kind of shrugged as if to say “well I am not going to tell him”.  So I decided I was not going to be the one to tell him either.   The next stop was mine so I got up to exit the train but before I did I took one last look at the unsuspecting Asian man who was now staring up at subway posters with a blank expression. I felt like a totally jerk.  I know am destined for some shitty NYC karma and I am terrified as to what it will be, but I will be sure to share it when it happens.

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

robots

So once upon a Friday, not to long ago, I was at Fat Buddha in the east village for a friend of a friend’s birthday gathering.  It was a little dead, the crowd was bland so I sat at the bar with my best friend vodka and my other friend lauren.  I was about to give up and go home when i heard someone behind me say “excuse me miss what is your name”.  Now my better judgement screamed “don’t turn around!”, mainly because the only gentlemen callers i tend to attract are cab drivers, homeless men, stalkers, the very young and the very very old. But against my better judgement, i turned around.  And there he was tall, clean looking (so i assumed he had a home), not to young, not old, dark skinned and moderately attractive.  I decided to engage him.  He told me he was from Philly (strike one), and that he went to Howard (half of strike two), and that he was a “celebrity trainer” (interesting indeed).  Long story short i was not sure of him, but i took his number anyway.  As i added him to my phonebook, he told me his name (we will just call him LM for now) and that i can google him. Now the fact that he told me to google him should have been a total strike out but since i am a silly girl and i am a slight masochist, i decided to humor him.  

The next day I indeed google him as he told me to, and found a number of interesting videos.   All of which i am almost 100% sure he had his homeboy record with a flip cam, but were all posted as “official” something or the other. Including an “Adidas commercial” that was nothing more than him dressed in a track suit walking around the city and stopping at random locations, lifting his arms to the sky with a caption that read “i am unstoppable” or some foolishness along those lines. I wont get into all of the videos but know they were truly truly ridiculous.  Now again, against my better judgement i decided to text him the next day.  Maybe the videos were a joke, and we all know i do enjoy a good joke.

Me: Hi.

LM: Peace & blessings who might this be? 

Blah Blah blah. i tell him my name, where we met, then he asks me out.  I let about 5mins pass without answering and he responds with the follow:

LM: So I guess you don’t want to meet outbefore i live for Italy for a week for work

Me: I didnt say that! i walked away from my phone. Why are you going to Italy?

LM: for a vh1 show then im in LA for another week. I have been in 27 cities and two countries since January. Hows the weather in NY?

Me: That is crazy. the weather is nice. you arent in NY anymore?

LM: I live in Manhattan, but i live on the road. I am in Chicago until Tuesday.  That’s that life of a public figure young lady [OK douche]

Me: Public Figure? I have never heard of you

Now i suppose i angered him at this point.  How dare i not know who LM the celebrity trainer was!

LM: LM is the name or Kizzy. Look both names up and you shall see who i am. I am very well known in the fitness and sports industry as well in the hollywood scene.

LM: My name speaks for itself. If you don’t follow sports or live a healthy lifestyle you probably havent heard of me. I must be very well known to be on good morning america, tmz, bet hell date, bow wow last album and Jay Z trainer…dam i love the internet cus you fine information on important people…like myself lol.

Now at this point i have not responded and he continues to text me crap about what he had done. Then he sends me the first of a few very strange little videos.  This one was of his NBA 2k12 character. nice. anyway back to this convo

Me: Sounds like you have a lot going on 

LM: Well i just had to let you know that im not just some guy you met at the bar

Me: but you are some guy i met at a bar. lol.

LM: no i am LM the voice for the people

Me: Wow

LM: Wow what?

Me: Wow it just seems like you’ve done some much 

In case you were wondering this is sarcasm

LM: Yeah and i used to be homeless [of course you were homeless, it is all making sense now] and living on the streets back in dc too. I have a documentary on you tube call my life and times.

Me: That’s really inspiring. [by aspiring i mean i can barely catch my breath from laughter] you were homeless and going to Howard?

So again we will fast forward a few days because i had better things to do that day than to listen to his banter. about two days later after waking up in the morning to a few texts of unsolicited audio fitness lessons and pictures of himself with no shirt on, I finally decided this was no longer funny. 

Me: Please stop sending me these weird videos and files

LM: [sends pic of himself shirtless as if that was going to change my mind]

Me: I am serious stop texting me

LM: [sends video of himself shirtless in a playground]

LM: now run tell that bitch! im the bad boy of the fitness world know your stats about me Hampton bitch [in case you were wondering that is where i attended undergrad, hence my joke about Howard] im Howard’s finest

Me: wow you are crazy

Me: i really dont care about your stats or anything else.

LM: only crazy about me is my money and connections. sue me bitch…LM the name [I imaged that he was yelling at this point as he was walking the streets of Italy in an adidas track suit to shoot his second commercial]

Now i should have stopped at this point but again, i am a silly girl and slight masochist.

Me: I really dont understand why you would resort to name calling. I simply asked you to stop sending me videos

Me: your reaction is a clear indication of delusions and mental issues

Me: If i am a bitch than it really shouldnt matter to you what i think/know about you. just delete my number and we will go our separate ways

LM: Bitch you been deleted your number fall the fuck bakck aand get aa body and new hair doo

Me: Interesting. you are the one that came up to me not the other way around.

LM: child please! stop texting me cunt.

And thus ends my whirlwind romance with LM. The voice of the people. Celebrity trainer. Homeless man. Total gem and the first of many many events in this truly unfortunate series that i call my life. 

I will just get into it.  I am not lucky in love. Crazy people are drawn to me. But somewhere along the way I was able to collect a few little gems that I will share with you. What follows is a series of unfortunate (and sometimes comical) events that is my life.  Enjoy.