So once upon a Friday, not to long ago, I was at Fat Buddha in the east village for a friend of a friend’s birthday gathering. It was a little dead, the crowd was bland so I sat at the bar with my best friend vodka and my other friend lauren. I was about to give up and go home when i heard someone behind me say “excuse me miss what is your name”. Now my better judgement screamed “don’t turn around!”, mainly because the only gentlemen callers i tend to attract are cab drivers, homeless men, stalkers, the very young and the very very old. But against my better judgement, i turned around. And there he was tall, clean looking (so i assumed he had a home), not to young, not old, dark skinned and moderately attractive. I decided to engage him. He told me he was from Philly (strike one), and that he went to Howard (half of strike two), and that he was a “celebrity trainer” (interesting indeed). Long story short i was not sure of him, but i took his number anyway. As i added him to my phonebook, he told me his name (we will just call him LM for now) and that i can google him. Now the fact that he told me to google him should have been a total strike out but since i am a silly girl and i am a slight masochist, i decided to humor him.
The next day I indeed google him as he told me to, and found a number of interesting videos. All of which i am almost 100% sure he had his homeboy record with a flip cam, but were all posted as “official” something or the other. Including an “Adidas commercial” that was nothing more than him dressed in a track suit walking around the city and stopping at random locations, lifting his arms to the sky with a caption that read “i am unstoppable” or some foolishness along those lines. I wont get into all of the videos but know they were truly truly ridiculous. Now again, against my better judgement i decided to text him the next day. Maybe the videos were a joke, and we all know i do enjoy a good joke.
LM: Peace & blessings who might this be?
Blah Blah blah. i tell him my name, where we met, then he asks me out. I let about 5mins pass without answering and he responds with the follow:
LM: So I guess you don’t want to meet outbefore i live for Italy for a week for work
Me: I didnt say that! i walked away from my phone. Why are you going to Italy?
LM: for a vh1 show then im in LA for another week. I have been in 27 cities and two countries since January. Hows the weather in NY?
Me: That is crazy. the weather is nice. you arent in NY anymore?
LM: I live in Manhattan, but i live on the road. I am in Chicago until Tuesday. That’s that life of a public figure young lady [OK douche]
Me: Public Figure? I have never heard of you
Now i suppose i angered him at this point. How dare i not know who LM the celebrity trainer was!
LM: LM is the name or Kizzy. Look both names up and you shall see who i am. I am very well known in the fitness and sports industry as well in the hollywood scene.
LM: My name speaks for itself. If you don’t follow sports or live a healthy lifestyle you probably havent heard of me. I must be very well known to be on good morning america, tmz, bet hell date, bow wow last album and Jay Z trainer…dam i love the internet cus you fine information on important people…like myself lol.
Now at this point i have not responded and he continues to text me crap about what he had done. Then he sends me the first of a few very strange little videos. This one was of his NBA 2k12 character. nice. anyway back to this convo
Me: Sounds like you have a lot going on
LM: Well i just had to let you know that im not just some guy you met at the bar
Me: but you are some guy i met at a bar. lol.
LM: no i am LM the voice for the people
LM: Wow what?
Me: Wow it just seems like you’ve done some much
In case you were wondering this is sarcasm
LM: Yeah and i used to be homeless [of course you were homeless, it is all making sense now] and living on the streets back in dc too. I have a documentary on you tube call my life and times.
Me: That’s really inspiring. [by aspiring i mean i can barely catch my breath from laughter] you were homeless and going to Howard?
So again we will fast forward a few days because i had better things to do that day than to listen to his banter. about two days later after waking up in the morning to a few texts of unsolicited audio fitness lessons and pictures of himself with no shirt on, I finally decided this was no longer funny.
Me: Please stop sending me these weird videos and files
LM: [sends pic of himself shirtless as if that was going to change my mind]
Me: I am serious stop texting me
LM: [sends video of himself shirtless in a playground]
LM: now run tell that bitch! im the bad boy of the fitness world know your stats about me Hampton bitch [in case you were wondering that is where i attended undergrad, hence my joke about Howard] im Howard’s finest
Me: wow you are crazy
Me: i really dont care about your stats or anything else.
LM: only crazy about me is my money and connections. sue me bitch…LM the name [I imaged that he was yelling at this point as he was walking the streets of Italy in an adidas track suit to shoot his second commercial]
Now i should have stopped at this point but again, i am a silly girl and slight masochist.
Me: I really dont understand why you would resort to name calling. I simply asked you to stop sending me videos
Me: your reaction is a clear indication of delusions and mental issues
Me: If i am a bitch than it really shouldnt matter to you what i think/know about you. just delete my number and we will go our separate ways
LM: Bitch you been deleted your number fall the fuck bakck aand get aa body and new hair doo
Me: Interesting. you are the one that came up to me not the other way around.
LM: child please! stop texting me cunt.
And thus ends my whirlwind romance with LM. The voice of the people. Celebrity trainer. Homeless man. Total gem and the first of many many events in this truly unfortunate series that i call my life.